Question and Answer on St. Peter Plans

I’ve been emailing, facebooking, twittering, blogging and all other kinds of crapping there ever was online and I still haven’t sold a single casket. WHY Oh WHY? My mom has been nagging me to work on my public relation skills that I ended up buying another casket for myself.

So, what am I supposed to do with 2 Caskets when there’s only one PRETTY ME??? Just so you know, Casket = Money but maybe I’ll divulge that secret in another post later on. Maybe not!

Anyway, I thought to summarize all the questions that people have thrown at me with regards to my casket business:

Question:
WHY should I buy your plan?

Answer:
Death is inevitable. If you don’t have a plan, you’ll end up throwing away as much as 50,000 pesos. But if you have a plan, funeral service might just be for FREE!

Question:
Free Funeral Service? How is that possible?

Answer:
For the cheapest NON-TRADITIONAL plan, contract price is 34,200 pesos. On the 16th – 20th year, you’ll get the 34,200 pesos back + funeral service. It’s like a time deposit except that the interest comes in the form of funeral service.

Question:
What if the plan holder dies and plan hasn’t been fully paid yet?

Answer:
If plan holder dies after a year since purchasing the plan, it will be considered as fully paid and the plan holder will get the full funeral service. Also, listed beneficiaries in his contract will get cash assistance by as much as 30,000 pesos.

If plan holder dies less than a year since purchasing the plan, family members would have to pay the remaining balance but at least it’s much lesser than paying the service in lump sum.

Question:
The amount 34,200 pesos is a bit heavy on our budget. Can I pay on installment instead?

Answer:
We offer discount for spot cash. One can also choose to pay annually, semi-annually or even monthly. Annually payment would be 34,200 divided by 5 years. For monthly payments, it’s 650 pesos.

Question:
What does this plan entails?

Answer:
Embalmment, 4 days stay in the chapel with wifi video streaming and all other amenities/decorations necessary for the wake.

Question:
Can I buy plan in Cebu for my parents who live in Bohol?

Answer:
Of course. St. Peter Funeral service is countrywide. Anytime, anywhere, you can rely on St. Peter.

Question:
Do I need medical certificate as proof of having a clean bill of health?

Answer:
It’s not necessary. One only needs to be less than 60 years of age.

If you got more questions, just buzz me and I’ll answer as soon as able.

From Italy with Love on Typhoon Sendong

With recent Typhoon Sendong (International name: Washi) that hits Philippines, over 1000 people died in Mindanao.  I live in Central Cebu and other than checking on my friend to see if she’s still alive, I don’t know anyone else in Iligan and Cagayan de Oro. Still, friends were already thinking of putting up our charity funds for Typhoon Sendong victims.

Anyway, I did not really expect anything but I find it heartwarming to receive emails of concern.  I find it sweet that my Italian colleague bothered to inquire about my situation although I do have difficulty understanding her email.  Still, it’s the “tot” that counts don’t you think?

From: Carmela, Italy counterparts
Hello
how are you??
Even you have been involved by the typhoon? area in which six of the Philippines?

From: Love2Type
Hi Carmela,
We are still alive and well.  Thank you for your thoughts. I shared your email with our colleagues. It made us happy.

From: Carmela, Italy counterparts
When events happen involving humans personally is a regret if you know someone in that area besides the sorrow there is also the thought of deep affection! Sending you a big hugs courage everyone!

Sideline Reminder

Managers,

In as much as we would try to understand the “need” of our associates, who are selling different merchandise/food items inside the office to earn additional income, please remind them that doing it during office hours is a violation of our company code under Neglect of duty.

A gentle reminder.

Human Resource Manager

But, I’m not displaying any of my funeral caskets in the office. Promise!

- Love2Type, part-time casket vendor

My Death Notice

Engineer/Writer/Coffin Sales Agent/Preacher Ai Koh

The engineer, coffin sales agent, preacher and writer of Love 2 Type died at 7:00 this morning of decapitation.

Ai was born on December 25, 1981 in a small shack in Guadalupe, Cebu. She graduated with flying colors at University of San Carlos in Cebu, Philippines where she earned Bachelor’s degree in Chemical Engineering. Her thesis on Aerobic Granulation in Highly Loaded Reactor for Wastewater Treatment ingeniously reduced wastewater effluent that she was awarded the Nobel Prize in Chemistry on 2007 at the age of 26.

Because of her passion in writing, Ai didn’t finish her master’s degree in Business Administration to focus on her blog instead. She’s been a Bestselling Blog Author for 3 consecutive years since 2008 primarily because of her articles on Why People Need Coffins and How to Be a Billionaire from Coffins.

Answering the call of God to preach his Word about the Good News of Salvation through Jesus Christ, she was kidnapped en route to Papua New Guinea and beheaded. Her remains will be brought back to Philippines by St. Peter Memorial Plans to be cremated on August 2, 2011.

Van from Hell

One of the public transport available in the Philippines is what we call a jeepney, smaller version of open-air bus where the current minimum fare in Cebu City is 7.50 pesos (0.13 Euro). If you don’t care to get to your destination smelling smog and looking as if you’ve just been electrocuted with your hair standing in every direction, V-hire or Van 4 hire is another option.

Although V-hire costs a bit more compared to a jeepney, I still choose to take one every night from work because it’s a comfortable and air-conditioned ride. Last night however, I was the only passenger in a fully-enclosed van.

I was enjoying the music being played inside the van when the driver suddenly turned to a deserted road that is definitely not it’s normal route. Surprised, I asked the driver where we are going and he said that the main street is filled with traffic enforcer so he’s taking a shortcut.

Paranoia started kicking in and I thought that the driver has several male accomplices waiting somewhere that will get inside the van and gang rape me. After texting the van’s plate number to my friend, here are the things that crossed my mind.

1. I believe in Jesus and I’m going to Heaven when I die.

2. I already bought a coffin from St. Peter Funeral Homes and my mom  knew that I wanted my coffin to be orange in color. My mom will be 30,000 pesos richer then from St. Peter.

3. I will not die without giving a good fight. I don’t know how many times I cleared my throat to make sure my voice box was still in good order while I massaged my fingers in preparation for my upcoming scratch fight.

I was so busy thinking of possible strategies to survive the night when the driver suddenly laughed and asked: Are you nervous?

And then he made another turn back to the main street that’s filled with other vehicles and people.

Whewww!

I guess I’ll not be making a trip to heaven just yet.